


Not Today

by burblyboy



Series: Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow [1]
Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: Drabble Sequence, F/F, Heartbreak, all the angst in the world, and some bonus self-loathing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28679673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burblyboy/pseuds/burblyboy
Summary: What happens when you break the heart of the girl you love and she goes AWOL for weeks afterwards?
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Series: Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137479
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Having just concluded a rewatch of S01 together with RedBeautyFTW, I felt the need to get some angst off my chest and so here we are. Our beloved Stepril is nothing but pure tragedy in S01; they're so cute, so adorable, so doomed. Maybe it was just knowing how it all ends, but I was struck by how much it was like watching a car crash in slow motion. It hurt.

“Goodnight, Sterl. I love you, honey.” April blew a kiss before hitting the button, smiling sadly as the screen went dark, the photo of smiling, happy Sterling fading to nothing.

She closed her eyes as she fought back the tears; tonight was not the night she was going to win this fight. In her heart, she doubted it was a fight she could ever win.

Every night, she did this, and every night she ended up wiping away tears. And it wasn’t getting any easier. Even after months of this particular bedtime routine, her heart felt like it was in the process of breaking, every night a fresh new wound. 

If you asked her, April wouldn’t be able to provide you with a single sane, rational reason why she kept doing this to herself, but here, alone in the dark of the night, safe underneath the covers, she knew all too well the why: this was her penitence. 

She had broken Sterling Wesley’s heart.

She had broken Sterling’s heart in the most cruel way imaginable, and it was only fair that she’d be reminded of what she had lost that night. What she had given up. Denied herself.

That part she could deal with. She’d spent years compartmentalizing her feelings. So this part was not new. Everything else was.

The first few days after the lock-in had been unbearable.

Walking through the doors of Willingham on Monday morning was easy. She was back to being April Stevens, valedictorian-in-waiting, perfect daughter, part of Team Stevens and as much as she hated her father, it was a part she had years to perfect.

Walking back out at the end of the day was the opposite of easy, because Sterling had been gone, missing, and nobody had any real answers as to why.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe, like she’d been suffocating a little bit more the longer the day went on.

She made it out the doors and into her car before she broke down and sat there crying until Ezekiel found her and talked her down.

But that day had turned into several and enough days to finally make up a week, then another.

Eventually the twins returned, but nothing else did, nothing returned to normal.

She never got any answers, because Sterling wouldn’t talk to her. At first Sterling wouldn’t even _look_ at her, and she couldn’t really blame her, because who would want to look at the bitch who would kiss you senseless one minute and then twist the knife in your back and leave you bleeding out on a bench the next.

It was even worse when Sterling one day did meet her eyes and she could see the depths of hurt and loss and confusion they contained.

Maybe Sterling had learned how to compartmentalize because to anyone else, she seemed fine, but April _knew_ , she saw clear as day that the Sterling she loved wasn’t actually present anymore.

Something was broken, and although she wanted nothing more than to walk over to the blonde girl and wrap herself around her and comfort her and tell her it was going to be okay, she didn’t. She couldn’t. And she was pretty sure had she been brave enough for once in her life, she wouldn’t be welcomed.

The weeks had turned into months, and if she wasn’t careful, the months would turn into years and _that_ would turn into Sterling being gone, out of her life, _forever_.

If she hadn’t already been crying, that thought would’ve done it.

Something had to change, she just had no idea of how. Or if she even deserved it.

Maybe someday, but not today.


	2. Chapter 2

“Goodnight, Sterl. I love you, honey.” 

No, tonight wasn’t the night either. April rolled over and curled up underneath the covers, a shiver running through her body despite the stifling heat imposed by the fluffy down. She ran her fingers across her cheeks, whisking away the tears rolling down them.

Today had been harder than most days, because today was the day when April realized that there might not be anything left to fix. As much as it hurt to think of the days rolling by without Sterling being a part of her life anymore, much less in her life, and definitely not a part of _them_ , what eventually always pulled her out of her despair was the thought that it was something that could change; she might not know how or if she even deserved it, but that tiny glimmer of hope, of change and redemption, was enough.

Normally she wouldn’t allow herself to succumb to foolish daydreams, not even when Sterling was sitting in front of her, or beside her, or across the Willingham cafeteria. Setting goals, drawing up plans, that is what April would normally do. But nothing was normal.

Today she had allowed herself to think of what things might be like if the events at the lock-in had never happened. What if she _had_ been brave, like Sterling thought she was, and they had continued acting like a couple of idiots in love, continued down the relationship path? Then what would her days look like? But they’d never even reached that part before she torpedoed any chance of them becoming a couple.

Willingham was filled with intolerance despite the things taught supposedly being based on a message of love. So was their community and society at large. And the less said about her own family the better. Everything she had told Sterling on that bench made sense, as horrible as that might be. Looking back, she conceded that she _might have_ overreacted somewhat, but pulling the brakes made _sense_. It made sense to her then and it still did today. And yet…

Today she found herself staring at Sterling, laughing when her sister said something inane and April’s chest ached with longing. She wanted to hear that laugh in response to something she said. She wanted to sit next to Sterling and lean against her when the blonde wrapped an arm around her shoulder. 

And yet, Sterling’s spirit just wasn’t the same anymore. Not really. She might be laughing here, in this moment, but April could easily—and horrifyingly so—imagine her Sterling curled up much like she herself was right now, trying to shut the world out. April hoped she wasn’t crying too, because that would… that would… she shuddered and whispered _break me_ , like saying the words out loud would make them less true and less painful.

Today had already broken her in ways she could barely comprehend. She’d been staring and remembering the look Sterling gave her on that bench and how something cracked when she said, “Actually, I don’t know…” and turned away, refusing to meet April’s eyes, or even look at her. April walked away, eyes stinging and heart breaking, not prepared for just how much this would hurt. Watching Sterling’s sad face when she started _Slow Burn_ playing was bad, but April had known that would hurt, had prepared for it, already back then clinging to the straw of someday; to have that possibility rejected was a world of hurt she never could have anticipated.

After leaving Sterling alone on that bench, she’d walked back inside, trying to find a box large enough, with a lock sturdy enough, to contain her pain so she could rejoin the others for the lock-in and maybe, just maybe, continue fooling everybody but herself. Hearing the laughter and seeing the happy faces of her classmates munching on pizza like the sky wasn’t falling was too much, and so she veered off, navigating empty corridors until she found a quiet place where she could collect herself. Or cry until she had no tears left to shed.

Today she had a fresh supply on hand, and since she’d allowed herself to wander down this path, the wounds reopened and before she could stop it, her eyes blurred over with salty, stinging tears. Refusing to make a scene, she sat there in silence and just as silently thanked her friends for not making a fuss. If only the lock-in had never happened, if only she hadn’t broken Sterling’s heart so badly that she was absent for weeks afterwards.

Something had to change, but she still had no real idea of how to make that happen. April pulled the phone back up and unlocked it, wincing when Sterling’s smiling face stabbed at her heart again. Looking away, she relied on muscle memory to quickly open the contact list and scroll down, her finger hovering above the line with Sterling’s name. It probably wouldn’t change anything, but she had to do _something_. She hesitated, not knowing how to even start saying the things she wanted to say. Another name next to Sterling’s caught her eye and she gave it a long press, starting a new message. Before she even realized it, she’d typed a single word and sent it: _Help_.

April waited, but her phone remained stubbornly silent. She sighed and shook her head, cursing herself for allowing more foolish daydreams to take hold. Nothing would change. Not now.

Maybe someday, but not today.


End file.
